Youth Conference 2015 Q&A - Part 6

Q1

How do you get rid of someone after telling them multiple times you're not interested?

This situation happens often. I'm going to assume that you're a girl and the person you're trying to get rid of is a guy. If this is different, mention in the comments below that it's the other way around and I'll address it from that perspective. For some reason there is a brand guy that thinks tenacity is going to win over a girl - like you can wear down her standards until she ultimately gives in, instead of growing to reach the standards she has. Yeah, because that seems like a relationships that's destined for success. (Yes I'm being sarcastic.) I would advise you 3 things:

1. If it's still an issue and he's becoming obsessively difficult, distance yourself from him. If you share friends don't hang out all the time with all of them. If you're out at a restaurant with a group have your girlfriends sit next to you. You may have to be a bit stern at times, like if he sits next to you mention that you're saving a seat for your girlfriend and so on. This will at first make his heart grow fonder of you, but eventually it'll lessen and he'll get the hint. It may take a while though, so be prepared. 

2. Make that you're not doing anything to give him hope. As a friend once repeated to me, "why would you preheat an over if you're not planning on baking anything?" Don't lead him on. I know the attention is nice, but don't fall into that trap. If you give an inch to a person who's infatuated with you, they'll count it as a mile. If you say you're "talking" ,he'll call you his girlfriend. In Proverbs 13:12 it says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." If he's hoping for a relationship and it's not happening, he'll eventually feel sick of chasing and move on. But, if you give him hope for fulfilling his longing, then he'll stick it out.

3. Don't be mean. The guy’s infatuated with you and it's flattering. It can be really annoying at times as well, but to reject him you don't have to be mean - you just need to be consistent and definitive.

Q2

How do you talk to girls?

Well, assuming that you're ready for marriage this is what I would suggest. Don't pretend to be something you're not. Women can tell when a guy is faking an image and it's not attractive. Also don't be proud or cocky, confidence is attractive and arrogance is the polar opposite. To be confident you need to know who you are, and to know who you are, who better to ask than the one who made you? (Psalm 139) Grow in Christ and be confident. Also realize that girls are just as scared as you are about these conversations. Another thing you can do is look at your fears and really weight them out. You'll realize that what you're afraid of isn't really all that bad. Let’s say you talk to a girl and you make a fool of yourself - then what? You see, nothing happens. It's not like you'll catch fire - you just said something silly and awkward and it's no big deal - we all do. Don't be afraid of looking silly, learn to laugh at yourself and enjoy the ups and downs. Life's going to go through different situations, what you can choose to do is how you're going to ride out those situations.

Q3

How do you let go of the guy that you know isn't right?

Two words: Clean Break. Honestly, relationship breakups can be really difficult and messy and no one wants that. The thing that make them messy is when you go to make the break, the other person pleads, makes concessions, promises to change, and so on. If they weren't willing to change while they were with you, them changing only at the risk of losing you isn't the kind of change you want. It's the "just-enough-to-keep-you-around" kind of change, and that's not what anyone is looking for. If you decided to break up because you're not a good fit, or because you know he isn't right for you - then break up. Yes it'll hurt a lot in the beginning, but look at it this way - it'll only get better after that. Best thing to have during a breakup? A friend. And in all honesty the best friend to have in that time is Jesus. He can heal your wounded heart, restore your soul, ease your burdens and build you back up again. Seriously, talk to Jesus and He'll heal your heart.

Q4

I've prayed that God reveals the one.... I was wanting a man that brings me closer to God. I saw that he showed me someone and he did yet my fear holds me back from talking to the guy. I see him but am afraid ... What do I do? I've prayed for this man for more than 6 months not giving up.

First off, I think your motivations are really great! I'm really glad to hear of young people who love God and seek first His kingdom in all they do. Secondly, don't worry! If you relied on God to lead you to this person and He led you there, then He'll come through in showing you how to talk to them and get to know them. That's His design for the life of a Christian - to put our hope, and our faith in Him - in every aspect of our lives. Read Philippians 4:6-7 in regards to your scenario, and then ask God for help in fulfilling these verses. 

Philippians 5:6-7 "6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Q5

What do you do when there is a person that has decided that their happiness in life revolves around you and they ask you out but you know that saying no might cause them to fall into a depression or even have suicidal thoughts (hence this person is not a Christian)

Great question. It's wild to think that this is even a problem, even more so that it's so frequent. I'll just be direct - their wellbeing isn't in your hands, it's in theirs. And they are trying to guilt you into a relationship so that they will have what they want. This is called manipulation, and you shouldn't let it happen. You should be polite and gentle, but firm. So don't give this person hope and tell them to talk to a youth leader at your church, also that you may remain friends - but that you're just not interested in a relationship beyond friendship.

Q6

At what difference (3 years..  6 years,  etc.) in age is there risk in a relationship between and guy and girl...  And is it detrimental for the woman to be older than the man?

Check out this link to my first blog as I've answered the same question there. It's Question #3.

Q7

Is there such a thing as "the one"? Or did God not make one single person for us?

Not in the way we think of it. "The one" is a creation of the world, it's a perfect person that if you just were with them everything would be better - that big emptiness would finally be fulfilled and your needs would be ultimately met. It’s an answer for people who want to be fulfilled but don't want Jesus. The problem with this is that it only exists in one place, on the movie screen. Because in real life only Jesus fulfills that emptiness. The world tries to fill it with everything else, like movies, money, careers, drugs, etc. But only Jesus quenches that spiritual thirst. So yes there is a "the one" and His name is Jesus.

Q8

What if you’re not pure when you get married?

I'm not sure what this is in reference to - but I'm assuming you're saying what if you're not a virgin when you get married. If this is the case I would first reply with the truth that Jesus loves you. Yes losing your virginity before marriage is sin. It separates us from God and if we continue to live in it, it will ultimately lead us down a path that concludes in eternal separation from God. However, if your sorrow has lead you to repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10) you're on the right path. Admitting your sin, repenting (turning away) from it, and drawing again close to God is the course the Lord want you on. God can heal and restore, and He wants to. Realize that "restore" doesn't mean "second rate fix." There is no such thing as a second-class Christian. You're either a child of God, or you're not. So if you haven't yet, confess, repent, and draw near to God. 

Q9

When you're newly courting someone and asking for Gods guidance, how do you listen to Gods urges about that person and if he/she is right for you?

In John 10:4 it says "...his sheep follow him because they know his voice." The closer you walk with God, the easier it is to hear His voice. Though, it does help to also know some basic things, like if they're not Christian - God's answer is clearly No. (2 Corinthians 6:14) If they're only Christian so they can be with you - same answer as before. If they're new Christians, I'd let them settle in their faith first before starting a huge thing like a relationship with the goal of marriage. Let them figure themselves out first and become spiritually mature. This isn't a set in stone rule, but it sure would help the marriage.

Q10

Sometimes I feel I'm not respected, what should I do?

This is a great question. I'm going to assume right off the bat that this is a guy.

#1 question I have is this: Why should we be respected? I'm not being mean, honestly. Where do we find a rule written that we should be respected at all? Respect isn't given freely, it's earned. If you do disrespectful acts I think we can all agree that you'll be disrespected. If you act basically normal you'll be neither disrespected nor respected. And if you do respectable things, people will respond with respect. This is a simple layout that I think is a fair portrayal of how society works on this subject. And yet, somehow, I find that a lot of people feel they're entitled to respect for not being disrespectful. But that's not how that works. Now I’m not saying this is you, and I'll answer your question in just a second, but I feel the need to clarify this for others reading.
If you want to be respected, then do things that merit respect. Something starts at 6:00? Show up 10 minutes early. Always. Honor your parents and your authorities over you. If you demand respect you'll lose it, but if you give it away - by respecting those around you - you'll get it back several fold. Be honest even when it costs you. Outshine people’s expectations of you. And most importantly, don't do these things because you want respect. Do them because you want to be Godly. If your motivation is to be respected only, then when you get a little bit of respect you'll stop doing these things. But Godliness? You can always grow in that - the journey never ends there.